I don’t write about my manic depression (aka bipolar) much — mine is type I manic depression, the full-meal deal that comes with adventures in psychosis. Not enough sleep means I can become psychotic (though usually I just feel exhausted and then crash, like most people). Psychotic: hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, Beautiful Mind-type stuff. And my inclination towards mania keeps me restless internally, which makes falling asleep hard. Put it all together, and waking up on time is a struggle for me.
Didn’t sleep enough? Soon, orderlies will seize you, drag you to a back room, and inject you in the arm — congratulations! Having difficulty falling asleep because you’re anxious it’ll happen again? Pansy. Going home early to maintain a sleep schedule? You are a social toxin. Didn’t get up on time? What are you, some kind of wuss? Sleep too much? Now you’ve missed a scheduled event, and the organizers take it as a personal affront, since for them, sleeping and waking isn’t such a struggle; they don’t understand, and if you try to explain, you must invoke mental illness: that makes you both a sissy with your psychological excuses, and it makes you Jared Loughner or whichever crazy attacker de jour, so you’re a threat. Bye, social capital.
One reason I dropped out of the University of Dallas where I had a full scholarship was because I couldn’t manage my sleep well enough to get to class on time, despite having a roommate. At another university I joined Habitat for Humanity, but after arriving late for one of their early morning departures, I quit, too embarrassed to go back. I’ve even missed plane flights.
I wish there was a happy sentence that would close all this up tidily, but there isn’t.
Manic Depression and Waking Up on Time by Douglas Lucas is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License. Based on a work at www.douglaslucas.com. Seeking permissions beyond the scope of this license? Email me: dal@douglaslucas.com.
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3 comments ↓
As Mimi just put it, “The problem isn’t him. It’s the people around him.”
There are places for you, and I’m sure of that. I mean, places with room for someone who has the audacity to try to be healthy, or who may otherwise function on an independent schedule. They’re sure as hell none of those places you’ve mentioned, and they’re probably far from xenophobic Fort Worth or the conservative South. Although your problems don’t minimize to a simple geographic solution, speaking from personal experience, a location and its general cultural attitudes have a profound impact on my well-being.
I know what you mean in general. But the people I hang out with now — the folks at Stay Wired! Coffeehouse & Computer Service — are great.
I have found the solution, and it is melatonin.
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